Dull

"The rabble with them began to crave other food, and again the Israelites started wailing and said, “If only we had meat to eat! We remember the fish we ate in Egypt at no cost—also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now we have lost our appetite; we never see anything but this manna!” The manna was like coriander seed and looked like resin.  The people went around gathering it, and then ground it in a hand mill or crushed it in a mortar. They cooked it in a pot or made it into loaves. And it tasted like something made with olive oil. (Nm 11:4-8)


I'm in a funk.  Everything seems dull and empty to me.  That's an overstatement, but I am somewhere in that vicinity.  I am not feeling depressed or sad. I just feel...dull.  And I am looking for something to spice up my mood.  Food is often a choice to alter my mood.  A great big fat fried tenderloin sandwich from the Friendly Tavern sounds great right now.  But I just ate fruit.  My stomach is full. 


In general I sense that I have "bottomed out" on this Daniel Fast.  I am not as enthused as I once was.  I appreciate learning to eat differently.  I have enjoyed the fresh foods and the renewed energy.   No, my need is deeper.  I don't need food.  I need God.  But in my prayers, God is silent.  I know He is there and listening.  Somehow that doesn't help this feeling of dullness to lift.  I am in a familiar place where I want to run to old habits for solace. I am fully aware that diversion is not the answer. Waiting on God patiently is the answer.


I have to laugh at myself.  I have stopped blogging because I don't feel like I have anything to offer.  I am not inspired, not impassioned, not feeling anything.  "Do the right thing, Scott, and your feelings will follow!"  So here I am writing again.  All I have to say is, "I'm with the rabble."  


The rabble was the group of complainers and grumblers who made life miserable for Moses and tended to affect negatively all of the children of Israel as they made their way through the wilderness. They grumbled for water, for food, for Egypt where their life in slavery was at least something they knew and understood.  This wandering around the desert for 40 years was just not a good time.  It was scary. It was uncertain.  It required trust in God to lead and provide.  It was a daily test.  At least in slavery they knew they what to expect.  Following the cloud of the Lord with Moses was an adventure with many dangers and unexpected challenges.  The barren wilderness made them want to surrender their freedom and return to slavery.


I am amazed at myself.  I am with the rabble. I want to return to slavery to salted fatty foods.  I want food fixes to my spiritual cravings.  I am resisting the call to wait on the Lord.  I'd rather not.  I want out of this place and I'm feeling fidgety enough to go back.


The rest of the story in Numbers 11 is that God gives the rabble exactly what they are pining for...meat.  Moses told them God would give them meat everyday for a month. They would eat meat until it comes running out their nostrils and they loathe the sight of it! (Nm 11:18-20)  As they ate, a plague stuck them and many died.


Sarah Stout, our nutrionist, reminds us each week of the health threats in all the processed foods we tend to eat.  We are obese, diabetic, heart unhealthy and cancerous.  Our aggressiveness may also be tied to diet.  Americans are slowly eating themselves to death.


If there's one thing I've gained from the Daniel Fast it's open eyes.  I see the health risks and yet, like the rabble, I want to return to those foods that enslaved me and harmed me.  I am an alcoholic in recovery. I know all too well the power of substances as a means for comfort and security.  While I haven't had a drink in 14 years, I know I'm in a place where I could fall.


Thank the Lord of His word that reminds me who I am and where I am heading. I am heading to promise and fulfillment in Christ.  Should I turn back I would perhaps die wandering around looking for something elusive that I never find.  But thanks be to God, I know Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. (Jn 14:6) Those who wait on the Lord renew their strength. (Isa 40:31)


Lord, It is Your grace I need every hour.  Keep me close and don't let me fail You and those I love.  I am fully confident this dullness will pass and Your hand will keep me safe from my old habits.  Thank You for loving me through this wilderness.  Even though I may grumble, I know You are seeing more in me than I can see in myself.  The wilderness is a place to learn lessons and pursue Your perfection through trusting You every step of the way. I have not suffered to the point of shedding blood. (Heb 12:4) Jesus, keep my eyes set upon You. Amen.


Sing with me:


http://cyberhymnal.org/htm/i/n/ineedteh.htm

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

Refrain:

I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

Refrain